A Beating Heart
by ForForever
Summary: Poem: Kanda's dead, and Allen wants him back. Is his death all Allen's fault? Yullen.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own D.Gray-man. But I own this poem.

**Inspired by:**

It Ends Tonight – All American Rejects

Top of the World – All American Rejects

That's What You Get – Paramore

**Dedicated to:** Allen and Kanda!! They're such a cute couple :3

**A/N:** 'It Ends Tonight' is such a great song. You guys should totally listen to it while reading this. 'Cuz the song was so good. X3 Anyways. I really like this poem. It's nice according to me. :D Allen POV. I can't believe it's so long. But it was 5 pages long :D

Hope you like it too :D

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_**A Beating Heart**_

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"_Kanda's dead." Those two words are the reason why I'm crying._

A time of ending, the end of the road.

I can't see anything, except red.

Red splattered everywhere. Everywhere, even on your body.

Why can't I hear your heart beat anymore?

Did I not protect you? Did I let you down again?

My resolve wasn't strong enough? I wasn't strong enough. Again.

I couldn't save you not matter how much I wanted to protect you.

I wanted to believe that I could make you smile.

In the end you face is empty and emotionless. Drained of all its colours.

I'm suffering my punishment now of not being able to save you.

Havoc in my thoughtless mind, all I can see is you.

You're always in my mind. Everything I see is you.

I don't want to be alone – I don't want to be without you.

I don't care, as long as you're here with me.

Hold my hand and never let go.

Why can't I ever seem to protect the one's I love?

In the end, who's the one that hurts the most, me or you?

Do you care?

I don't know whether you loved me back.

I can only hope that you did. I'll never get an answer.

My regret inside my heart won't wash away. No matter how much I want it to.

I wish I could've told you sooner.

Seeing your lifeless body with my own eyes hurts me.

I never wanted this to happen. Why isn't God merciful?

Why doesn't anyone want me to smile? Does anyone care about me?

But no one does because I never wanted to see you like this.

I never wanted to see you die. Never wanted you to leave me.

I would rather die. In your place. Instead of you.

Everyone wants to see my cry, to see me in a pool of darkness.

In a pool of lies. No one ever cared. Was I the only one?

I didn't want a cruel life nor an empty world.

But I rather have those than a life without you.

You were my everything. And you still are.

Am I too greedy, to want you even if you are dead?

Can I not wish? I don't want my love to waste away.

Because you were the only one I ever cared about.

You were the only one I loved. Or am I lying to myself?

Life without you is like a life without air.

I can't breathe. I'll suffocate without your presence.

You will only be able to dream. Is your dream like mine?

But a dream is only a dream. Nothing like reality.

Because reality is cruel. My twisted reality strangles my dreams.

My mind's unweaving thinking about all our memories.

I can't explain anything. Nothing. Not how much I loved you. Not how you died.

There were never words because even if there were they wouldn't leave my mouth.

All my thoughts are locked inside. Forever. They'll never be anyone else's but yours.

You'll be the only one that'll know how I felt.

I guess I'm crying by myself. Alone. Without you.

My world's empty without you. There's space everywhere I look.

The space that you could've filled. My moment stops.

I can never explain anything to you. You'll hate me.

Look at me disdainfully. Look at me and hate me.

Hate me for not loving you as much as I do now.

Hate me since losing you I've realized how much I love you.

But I guess it's too late for you to come back.

You'll never come back. My tears are meaningless.

I'll keep on crying but you'll never revive from your peaceful state.

I keep a mountain of sorrows that leave me desolate.

They strangle me, torture me, every time I think of you.

I wish I could stop breathing. Every time I breathe it feels pained.

Nothing enters my throat as if the air without you is poisoned.

A haze of darkness covers my eyes. I'll never see.

Unless you come back. Come back to me.

But spite – want – will never make you come back. Will it?

I guess I'm foolish and stupid like you've always said I was – to hope.

Did you ever hope? Why were you never sad?

Even though you lost everything you had once, you never cried.

Why am I crying even though I've lost one thing.

Because you were my everything. To me, you were my world.

And now since you're gone I can't help but cry.

No matter how much I try to stop I can't.

I want to smile again. To laugh again.

But it's impossible without you.

I've lost everything once. I don't want to lose again.

Please, don't leave me. Not by myself. Again.

I don't want to be abandoned. Ever again.

Not by someone I love. Can't you understand?

But you never will. I never told you about my thoughts.

Will my darkness ever turn to light?

Me without you is like a world full of nothing.

A world of nothing is useless. You can never do anything with one.

Did you ever want me to smile?

Was my smile stupid? Weak? Intolerable? Annoying? Shallow?

Did you die because of me?

If you did, I'll never forgive myself.

I should've severed my ties with everyone especially you.

If I was alone from the start than this wouldn't hurt so much.

If I was by myself, I would of never met you. I wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't be crying. Sobbing. Mourning.

See my world through my eyes – maybe you'll understand.

But guess it's already too late. Too late for anything to be fixed.

I deserve to be alone. Without you.

Everything I've received is everything I've deserved.

For ever loving you, for trying to be with you, for caring about you.

At least I didn't receive rejection from you.

My mind will be safe. From everything. Now.

Right?

No. Your voice reminds me of an angel's. Your eyes remind me of heaven.

Why can't I die and join you? Why?!

Do you want me here? To protect me?

Do you want me to carry on your journey?

I know you never planned to die. You were seeking for something.

Was I too stupid to realized you were dying?

Was my world that superficial?

I'm sorry for that. For everything I've caused.

I should've realized. But I'm always too late. Too late for everything.

As I cry I can only think. About all the things I'm sorry for.

All the things. Every little thing I've done to you.

To make you hurt – sad – angry but all I will ever know is that:

I never made you happy.

And for that I'm sorry. But it's too late again.

I could've tried. Should've. But I failed. Like I always do.

I can't smile. Can't think. You intoxicate me.

I won't ever breathe.

My heart hurts too much.

Why did you leave me?

Leave me all alone. Inside this darkness.

A rip in the wall. In this pitch black life.

Your the biggest hole. The darkest. And the one that hurts the most.

I just want to stop crying. To stop thinking.

You're my problem. My hazard. My poison.

And you're the reason why I live.

Should I keep living? Should I abandon life?

I don't know the answer. Maybe you do.

I don't know anything. I don't want to.

I'm scared if I do, then I might be hurt more.

All the little things in life are like shards of ice on my skin.

It's cold. Freezing. And it hurts. It always will.

The truth hurts. Don't deliver the blow.

If you do, I won't stop you, but I'll crumble and fall.

I'll scatter into little pieces but,

There won't be anyone to pick up the shattered pieces and fix it.

But that wouldn't matter. I'm already shattered.

My heart died and fell into little pieces hoping you'll pick them up,

Hoping that you'll return to me and save me from this world.

Save me from this place you've left me,

Don't let me drown in my tears, my sorrows.

Because I never ever want to stop thinking about you.

You'll be the only person I'll let inside my head – inside my heart.

You're the only person that can fix my heart. Mend it.

Crying over you is like crying over lost money.

I will always have the chance to take you back.

Or completely lose you, and then I'll lay abandoned.

I'm scared that one of those may happen someday.

But I was naïve. Because that's already happened.

Who'll pick up the pieces of my heart now that you're gone?

Who'll be inside my head now that you're gone?

No one. Because I'm forever destined to be alone.

I remember the first time we met. You hated me. I hated you after that.

But ever since getting to know you, I fell in love.

I fell, into an intoxicated dream. Thinking about you every day.

But I never knew if you thought about me the same way.

Was I wrong to think? To dream? To love you?

I guess I was. I guess this is what I deserve if I let my heart win.

I should've seen the sense of not loving you. But I couldn't.

I couldn't stand properly. Couldn't think clearly.

You were always there. Always.

But now you're gone. And I miss you.

I can tell you don't care. Why did you die?

It's a stupid question, I know. But why?

Why did you leave me? Why did you depart without saying goodbye?

Was I that unimportant? Did you not care about me?

I guess you didn't. But my heart will always love you.

Even if my heart is shattered, it'll keep beating.

It'll keep on hoping that you'll come back for me.

My mind doesn't want to. It doesn't want to feel pain again.

But I'll let my heart beat. And I'll let it hope.

I will believe you will come back.

And when you do, I'll cry like I am now.

But instead of sorrow inside the tears there'll be happiness.

I want to believe you'll come back and return to me.

My heart will beat furiously and smile again.

Because without you I can't really smile. Not properly.

You're the only one that'll make me smile because I'm happy.

You better come back. Because I'll be waiting.

I'll be waiting. For years. Decades. Centuries. Millenniums.

I'll be waiting no matter how long it'll take.

Because I believe eternity can't separate us. I'll be waiting.

I love you so much that no matter how long you don't come.

I'll still wait. Wait and hope even when everyone else gives up.

I'll stand by myself and keep on waiting.

Because -

I Love You.

And only you.

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**The End**

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**A/N:** I like it :D Hope you did too. :)

Please review :)

Btw it was going to be a sad ending but I love Yullen too much so I made it happy :D


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